2003-04-23 - 6:04 p.m.

If life is a river, then I'm eddying around in the same place, day after day, sometimes going with the river, but just as often going against it. I just don't get the feeling that I'm moving through life so much as waiting for the water to dry up. How could I feel this way since I've felt nothing but an enormous sense of personal growth lately? Simply put, I've spent much (most) of my life relying on external forces to change me and now I'm at a point where I have to become self-motivated. I'm aware of what things I want to change in my life. I know how to change them, but I can't seem to get my butt in gear and act on that knowledge. Unfortunately, it's a struggle against one of my core personality traits. I like to take the path of least resistance. I often view this as a positive aspect of my character, but when I apply that idea to life I end up swirling around, stagnating. Yuck! A lady that I really like from when I was a J-Dub recently discovered that she has a pretty serious case of breast cancer. We aren't close by any means, but she's one of the few people that I recall with fondness from my stint as a Witness. Anyway, she's gone in for surgery several times and had her first chemotherapy today. I don't know how it went or is going, but when I talked to her last, the chemo (and its side affects) was weighing heavily on her mind. I plan on delivering an anonymous package on her doorstep tonight containing a comprehensive book about the use of medical marijuana, along with a gift card and a small baggie taped to it. I don't want to bias her opinion of the gift nor the subject in any way, so that's why I'm remaining anonymous. Plus, in the event that she wants to talk to other J-Dubs about it, I want no mention of my name. No need to pester a nest of sleeping hornets. I've been running down at McKinley park in the evenings and absolutely love it, so I'm gonna add some tracks to my MP3 player and bust out of this place!