2003-08-29 - 1:02 a.m.
�What we anticipate seldom occurs, but what we least expect generally happens.�
- Benjamin Disraeli
It was Athena and Iris�s first time to a rave, and I was nervous with anticipation. I wanted everything to go right. I wanted them to experience the amazing group energy, the positive vibes, the feelings of intimacy, and the spirit of kindness that is the quintessence of a true rave. Everything went wrong. Then everything was right. Let me explain.
Expecting one of these �true� raves, we (Athena, Iris, James, and I) got to Oakland around eleven, only to find that the whole thing was a sham. At the door, we were told that we wouldn�t be allowed to bring anything in (candy, gum, glow sticks, cigarettes, etc) and they meant it. They made us take off our shoes, padded us down and threw everything we had into a box of confiscated materials. I hoped that they might let me keep my mints, as that was where I was keeping our ecstasy tablets, but those went into the box too. Not wanting to give them up, I decided to take our group�s stuff back to the car for safe keeping. As I walked back to the car, I met Sam, a candykid from Santa Rosa. We chatted as he walked with me to the car, and then he headed back to party (he�ll come back later). After dropping off most of the stuff, I made my way back through the security maze and entered the party only to discover that it was so much worse than I had imagined. The party had been advertised as having two rooms and a place to cool off. It turned out to have one lame room, a VIP area that was barred to most of the partygoers, and no chill room. The dance floor was empty as the lamest DJ ever kept spinning the same old shit over and over again. I was fiercely disappointed. It�s been ages since I�ve felt such an extreme combination of depression and anger.
As the party painfully bore on, my despair increased. At some point Athena suggested that we take off and find a beach and hang out there. Although I wasn�t enthusiastic about it (I�d much rather go home, curl up and die), I agreed. Iris was feeling nauseous due to her sudden intake of 100 proof Hot Damn� prior to arrival, so we decided to wait before driving. While we were waiting, Sam came around the corner with his friends, and we ended up hanging out together for a while. In the spirit of true ravers, they gave each of us a token of their friendship in the form of �candy� (cute, happy bracelets) before parting ways. We hugged and said goodbye, hoping to see them again in the future. And off to the beach we went�
Before finding a beach, we had to find liquor and food. Although San Francisco is a big city, it was still incredibly difficult finding an open liquor/food store. While our group was in good spirits on their quest for sustenance, inebriating drink, and a place for Iris to piss, I remained inconsolable. The combination of foiled plans and life events had me feeling pensive and disheartened. Finally, after wondering around the city and finding what we needed, we headed south on Highway 1 in search of a beach. Some time later, we found a sign for Rockaway Beach in Pacifica and pulled over. As soon as I got out of the car and felt the ocean�s mist on my face, my load was lightened. I knew everything was going to be ok.
Being the goddess of wisdom that she is, Athena had the foresight to include a tarp and blankets amongst the various items in her car trunk. We made a place for ourselves next to a cliff, by the side of a creek, only to later discover a sign stating that the area was considered toxic. It was fitting. We were all contaminated, in need of cleansing, and this was the place for it. We broke bread together and passed the cheese, chocolate and liquor in a spirit of communion. James and I decided then to dance with Medusa, our long-haired spirit of ecstasy, embodied in the form of a little pink pill.
James started the dance before me, but was reluctant to share this information on account of his bewilderment at some of Athena�s earlier actions towards him. Knowing that it wouldn�t be long before she knew anyway, I promised to safeguard his secret. While he was starting to roll, I decided to hike up to the top of the cliff for a little personal time. Sitting on a rocky outcropping, overlooking the small town and the dark sea, I was mesmerized by the way the waves carved intricate white lines into the shadowy medium of the mid-night ocean, only to erase them all and begin anew. After enjoying the sight, sound and feeling of the ocean for some time, I realized that my friends had joined me on top of the cliff, a little distance away. I decided to join them, and while walking towards the rock they were sitting on, I met Medusa and we started the dance.
I was so thankful to be a part of this group. For the next few hours, we talked openly about matters of the heart, we let down the shields that we�ve raised to protect us in our regular lives, and we touched each other physically and spiritually. That night our lives became intertwined more than we could imagine, and I, for one, feel that the bond that was forged is one that will last until the end of days. I could write forever about the feelings and sensations that I experienced that night, but words cannot do it justice. I can only say that it was ecstasy.
In the morning, as the fog parted for the bright sun, I felt so alive. I remember sitting on the beach, burying my feet in the warm sand, and thinking, �This is love.� Our small group of friends had unlocked the secret to shedding our differences as individuals and embracing our humanity. Feeling the need to express myself somehow, I performed a ritual. I walked down the beach and picked up four small stones that I felt represented each of us in some way. I then found a circle of large rocks and placed each of the smaller stones on these, leaving one of the rocks to signify the bond which brought us all together. Reflecting on what this all meant to me, I then bowed towards that rock three times and stood up. I gathered the four small stones in one palm, walked into the sea, and cast them into the waves, allowing them follow their course. The ceremony was over, but the feeling that had been awakened remained.
After this, I ran down the beach, explored the tide pools and eventually met up with Athena and James, who were doing the same. James showed me something that they had discovered which symbolized his thoughts on the matter of our friendship. Upon one rock, there were several starfish. Three of these stood together in a row, their arms reaching out and touching each other. These, he told me, represented him, Athena, and me. Another starfish was slightly off to the left, not far away, but not touching the others. This one was Iris, he said. Yet another starfish appeared above these, grasping onto a ledge, and this one he told me was the spirit which held us all together and supported us. I was amazed at how we had arrived at such similar conclusions in our own way.
We hung around the beach for a couple of more hours, each of us doing what we needed to do, then said goodbye and headed home. All in all, it was one of those life-altering experiences that will remain with me until my dying day. I cherish the time we spent together and pray that my future continue to include these wonderful people that I�ve come to hold so dear.