2003-04-30 - 12:42 a.m.

I knew it. Life was beginning to get too good. Someone had to throw some shit into my sunshine parade.

My bike was stolen yesterday. I woke up in the morning, looked out the sliding glass doors and noticed that the balcony was void of my only beloved material possession. Initially I was pissed off at the perpetrators, but realized that the overflowing rage and anger that I felt wasn�t really directed at the phantom fuckers that stole my bike. It was my own fault. I had been told that this very thing could happen and I decided that it wouldn�t happen to me. I was wrong and I feel let down. By no one other than myself.

The bike theft just seems to have capped off a period of increasing negativity in my thoughts and feelings. While I�ve occasionally struggled with loneliness since Amber and I broke up, it�s beginning to become compounded by a different, peculiar sense of loneliness that is difficult to explain.

It�s not that hard to understand my feelings when it comes to the first type of loneliness. That�s about companionship, love, sex, intimacy and a whole slew of emotions that can readily be dealt with one way or another. The second, more worrisome feeling is one that I don�t know how to cope with. It�s one of those dismal feelings that can�t be shaken easily. In fact, I have found no way of shaking it, no way of dealing with it, so I avoid it.

I�ve been trying to describe this feeling of loneliness now for hours on end with nothing but scatterbrained results. I came across something that Nietzsche said once and it embodies my thoughts somewhat well:

�The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.�

I feel like I don�t belong in society. It�s like a country club where the membership fee is the soul of the individual and I�m not willing to pay. The free-willed (and thinking) individual is a relic of the past, if he ever existed in the first place. Humanity has betrayed its very essence, the individual. Its magnificent core has been replaced by a putrid being that knows no life other than that of bondage and servitude.

Ugh. Can�t think about this any more or I�m sure to solve my problems with a bottle of Nytol and a few vodka chasers. If you happened to read this, I apologize.