2003-07-25 - 7:49 p.m.

It appears to be early morning, with a cool breeze accompanying the soft light that flows through the French windows, teasing the drapes of pure white that hang there. We�re lying side by side on a large, soft bed with our heads back on a pillow, staring at the ceiling and talking, as friends do, about everything and nothing at all. I feel something in my hand, and bringing it up for a closer look, I see it�s a shoe. I laugh as I examine the collar and heel, making some offhand remark about the similarity it bears to a woman�s vagina. She takes the shoe out of my hand and looks at it intently. Then she brings the shoe closer to her lips and flicks the collar with her tongue. Turning smoothly from the shoe to me, she begins to cover my neck with tender kisses. I close my eyes and relish the sensation. Her lips are so supple and soft as they make their way down the side of my neck, creating a trail of sensuous delight as they go. I open my eyes and slide my hand around the back of her head, pulling her closer to me. As our lips lock, I feel the cool touch of her tongue on mine and my heart skips a beat. The passion is ignited and the flames get hotter as our kissing continues, until she abruptly stops, saying that she�ll be right back, then walks out of the room. Overcome with rapture, I lean my head back on the pillow and close my eyes. A few minutes later, I hear her come back in. Opening my eyes, I see her walking towards the bed, dressed in a short negligee of grey silk. As she climbs on top of me, waves of anxiety take over instead of the expected thrill. This exquisite creature on top of me is not her. They are one, yet not the same. What will happen when she realizes what she�s done? I try to push her off, but she continues to grind down on me. The more I push, the tighter her grip becomes. Desperate, I shove with all my might and she rolls off to the side�and I wake up.

So that�s how my day started. It wasn�t unpleasant, just twisted. Why a shoe? And why the fuck would I be opposed to sex? I�m not gonna try and analyze this one. It�s too weird. I�ve been remembering a lot of my dreams lately, which is unusual. I find them fascinating and I love that feeling when I�m in the shower and pieces of the dreamscape puzzle begin to come together. I wish there were a way to record the dreams and then play them back at will. They�d be so much better than anything I could rent at Blockbuster�.

I had my best Aikido class so far last night. It was a full class, with six of the high-ranking students staying on from the previous class as assistants. We practiced one-on-one, attacking and receiving attacks from our partners. I think Sensei saw that many of us weren�t getting the technique right, so he had us form a line around the mat, with the assistants in front. The first assistant stepped out and turned around, facing the one behind him. He bowed to her and she then attacked him with a strike to the right of his head. He received the attack and threw her to the ground the way we had been practicing. The second assistant stepped forward and attacked with a strike to the left and hit the mat like the one before him. It continued this way, the people in line attacking the assistant and getting thrown, until the entire line had gone around. Then the next person in line became the receiver (thrower) and the line went around again, attacking and getting thrown. When it was my turn to receive the attacks, I was a little nervous, but I bowed to my first opponent and the line began to move. Attack after attack, I threw them all to the ground. It was exhilarating! To say that I was disappointed when I had to return to the line would be a gross understatement.

After this, Sensei had us all sit in Seiza (formal seated position, kneeling) and he took the assistants aside for a huddle. He then turned to us with a mischievous grin and said �Don�t worry, this is going to be an exercise in receiving.� I hadn�t been worried, but now I was. The huddle broke and the assistants approached the class. They then took their turns kneeling behind each student, placing their hands on our backs and, instead of attacking us, proceeded to massage us! I got three outstanding massages and on the fourth, instead of receiving a massage, I felt two palms firmly pressed into my back. I didn�t know who it was, but a shiver went up my spine as I felt an incredible amount of energy pouring into my body. When it was over, I saw that it had been Sensei. My admiration for him went up another notch.

Oh, god, I could go on forever describing how I feel about this class. I have to say, it�s one of the best things that�s happened to me in a long time. I owe Jess a big thank you for encouraging me to look into it.

On another note, I�m really looking forward to this weekend. I�m going with some friends to a rave in San Francisco tomorrow. I�m sure it�ll be X-ellent. More on that later�