2003-07-03 - 1:50 p.m.

Ugh. It's another perfectly tempered day in a string of such days and I've got a hangover. It's not bad, just that slightly woozy feeling accompanied by a light brain-squeeze. However, it�s insufferable on this warm and sunny afternoon with its light breeze and blue skies. I feel like I should be out hiking or tending a garden or building a house � anything but moping around the apartment, listening to Stereophonics and bemoaning the fact that I drank too much the night before.

Jess and I went to The Blue Lamp last night and saw a wicked bluegrass band that goes by the name of The Hackensaw Boys. Their music was that infectious, toe-tapping, body-moving, fun sort of sound that made it seem like the tiny venue would burst from the cumulative energy that kept building as the night wore on.

Besides consuming too much beer, I have but one regret from last night. There were some cute (and apparently fun-loving) girls at the show and, although I wanted to strike up conversation with a few of them and dance with the others, I kept hesitating and hesitating until the band played its last song. I kept picturing myself getting rejected and imagining the hurt I would feel at having my negative self-image reinforced by someone else � a stranger at that. It�s ironic that I was so busy getting rejected in my mind that I never even took the opportunity to get rejected in reality. And really, which is worse, getting rejected by a stranger who doesn't even know me or by myself? Jeez. Echoing the sentiments of a friend of mine, I�m hopelessly, utterly chickenshit.

This cowardice is frustrating. It flies in the face of everything I believe in and yet I continue to allow it to dominate my life. It feels as if I�m restrained by tethers of my own choosing. I know I can free myself and, to some extent, I even know how, but for some inexplicable reason, I can�t bring myself to do it. What is it? A fear of change? If that�s what it is, then I�m fucked. The continuity of change is the driving power behind life, the universe, and everything. I don�t wanna be scared of that. Goddamnit! Now I�m pissed off at myself for being such a pussy (no offense to you real pussies out there). Now that I'm sufficiently amped up, I need to get outta here and enjoy the nice day.